Sympathy for the Complainer

On Thursday I was invited to an in-service lunch at South Coast Hospice and Palliative Care, an organization that I volunteer and do a little work for. The guest speaker was Dr. David K Reynolds, a world renowned author and teacher of constructive living.

One of Dr. Reynolds' speaking points was on complaining; complaining, he stated not only abuses self, but abuses the person who is forced to listen. This point set well with me not only as a complainer but a listener. Although I dearly love to listen to problems when I am trying to help another, when forced to listen to chronic complaining in such an environment that it would be improper to address such behavior I am often forced into an uncomfortable and almost emotionally painful experience.

As a complainer, I have seen this painful look on those who were forced to listen. I think that one of the differences between a sympathetic and non-sympathetic complainer is the awareness of  the listeners pain. A sympathetic complainer will redirect or simply "shut up" when seeing discomfort in the listener. However, it is important to note that such forced silence can hurt as much and likely more than having to listen to the complainer.

Complaining is about finding sympathy for one's pain, attempting to seek help and understanding, or a mental disease caused by overwhelm. A sympathetic complainer will work on recognizing the differences and work toward finding alternatives to complaining. A non-sympathetic complainer will become a crutch to others.

Sympathetic listeners will take in the complaints and try to apply listening skills to help ease the complainers suffering. He or she will recognize the complainers pain and make effort to improve the complainers life. A non-sympathetic listener will zone out while the complainer is speaking, produce thoughts of aggression toward the complainer, or simply ignore the complainer.

Another thinking point provided by Dr.Reynolds is that we are not set in our living patterns. We move in and out of our normal range of living and behavior. A chronic complainer can be sympathetic one day and non-sympathetic the next; he or she can be a good listener. Either way, it is important to know that our life patterns fluctuate and through that fluctuation we can better understand our own and others' behavior. Through that understanding we can become more sympathetic complainers and better listeners.

Essentially, understanding complaining is not about pointing a finger; much like psychotherapy it is about recognizing a common human behavior and how it applies to one's current life conditions and using the knowledge to help each other improve our quality of life.