When Giving Isn’t

I recently heard of a person making the statement, “I don’t give unless I know the person is going to make use of it.” Seems like a perfectly logical harmless statement…right? Let’s take a closer look and study how we, ourselves, think about giving. 

First, one must consider true charity is giving without purpose; one gives because he or she finds a spiritual connection to doing what is right. Second, let’s assume that true giving is without attachment; one gives because it is right and with little or no regard to what a person is going to do with the gift. 

Whoa!!!! Wait a minute! Am I saying that I shouldn’t be concerned with how my gift is going to be used? Well kind of. I think it is okay to gift with intention of improving a person’s quality of life, but that is where the giving intention should stop. 

On an organizational level it is probably a good idea to make sure one’s gift does actually go to the person who we are intending to improve life; otherwise, we are likely feeding some corporate need. However, is that all bad? Are we not improving someone’s life? Well…yeah…but. But, we should have the say for whom to we give. Remember, our intention should be not only to give, but also to improve. Pay close attention to the word "intention." It is up to the receiver to use what we give to improve his or her life. 

Beyond the act of giving, with our hands still on the gift we are merely feeding our own egotistic or controlling desires. In other words, let go of the gift! True charity is giving not auditing. Have you ever wondered why some world charity organizations have resorted to letting subscribers buy a cow, goat, or bale of straw for a person in need? Perhaps this is to perpetuate the process which most of us think about giving…giving with control. The organization would likely better serve its clients by having more control of how incoming money is spent. However, some need a form of attachment to their giving.

Why do we want to control our gifts? I tend to think it is because we hold a belief that what is ours is ours of our own accord and that ownership gives us some sentiment to how it gets used. This misconception tends to overlook the processes by which we obtain our own gifts…through the plight and charity of others. Nothing in this world is truly ours; we obtain through our connection with others. It soon becomes obvious that some were given gifts greater than others. 

I have discussed with friends the notion of giving without reward; that is giving when the receiver know nothing about who made the gift; giving when no one knows you have given. Try sometime to tip the coffee person when his or her back is turned; realize the feeling of loss when there is no personal reward in the gift. I tend to think when I can accomplish such a feat, I will know what true charity is. Which is quite a challenge when one’s giving is based on egotistical reward or control.

-Muto

Sympathy for the Complainer

On Thursday I was invited to an in-service lunch at South Coast Hospice and Palliative Care, an organization that I volunteer and do a little work for. The guest speaker was Dr. David K Reynolds, a world renowned author and teacher of constructive living.

One of Dr. Reynolds' speaking points was on complaining; complaining, he stated not only abuses self, but abuses the person who is forced to listen. This point set well with me not only as a complainer but a listener. Although I dearly love to listen to problems when I am trying to help another, when forced to listen to chronic complaining in such an environment that it would be improper to address such behavior I am often forced into an uncomfortable and almost emotionally painful experience.

As a complainer, I have seen this painful look on those who were forced to listen. I think that one of the differences between a sympathetic and non-sympathetic complainer is the awareness of  the listeners pain. A sympathetic complainer will redirect or simply "shut up" when seeing discomfort in the listener. However, it is important to note that such forced silence can hurt as much and likely more than having to listen to the complainer.

Complaining is about finding sympathy for one's pain, attempting to seek help and understanding, or a mental disease caused by overwhelm. A sympathetic complainer will work on recognizing the differences and work toward finding alternatives to complaining. A non-sympathetic complainer will become a crutch to others.

Sympathetic listeners will take in the complaints and try to apply listening skills to help ease the complainers suffering. He or she will recognize the complainers pain and make effort to improve the complainers life. A non-sympathetic listener will zone out while the complainer is speaking, produce thoughts of aggression toward the complainer, or simply ignore the complainer.

Another thinking point provided by Dr.Reynolds is that we are not set in our living patterns. We move in and out of our normal range of living and behavior. A chronic complainer can be sympathetic one day and non-sympathetic the next; he or she can be a good listener. Either way, it is important to know that our life patterns fluctuate and through that fluctuation we can better understand our own and others' behavior. Through that understanding we can become more sympathetic complainers and better listeners.

Essentially, understanding complaining is not about pointing a finger; much like psychotherapy it is about recognizing a common human behavior and how it applies to one's current life conditions and using the knowledge to help each other improve our quality of life.

Oh Sweet Life

Oh sweet life
It slips from your grasp
Your anxious body
And eager soul,
Oh sweet being
There is beauty upon your leave
With solace in surrender
And bitter sweet woe

-Mutoman

Building Self-Respect Albeit Self-Imprisonments

Ego suggests, “I am,” through a complex system of judgments and misjudgments about oneself through one’s and other’s perceptions of one’s image. Self-respect suggests, “I am,” through a more informed, yet often misjudged assumption of one’s social, spiritual, and categorical worth.

I believe self respect should be born of the naked human being. It has been said to truly know oneself is to strip oneself of earthly possessions; to mine one’s faults, imperfections, ideals, ethics, and moral standards, without the weight of earthly imprisonments, is to have better chance of discovering true character and true spirit from the rubble.

Barren, we get to know who we are; we get to experience our infected character; as we become comfortable with nakedness the infected character begins to vanish. I have witnessed very few human beings who have made it all the way through this transition; like myself, most are caught between having a glimpse of who they truly can be and having difficulty loosening their grasp of what is not important.

What I do know for sure is that true character, if left in charge, can allow gathering of earthly possessions in an ethical manner. Religions attempt to teach this; however, many fall far from the lesson’s intentions. The problem is that when people gather they tend to begin comparing and contrasting each other’s earthly values.

The power of possessions and earthly influences can be overwhelming to a weak spirit; as I can attest.

So, where does self-respect come into play? Self-respect, I believe, is built from true spirit and character. Self-respect comes from the naked person, unbound by earthly possessions and earthly status. Self-respect is a product of knowing one’s true character, spirit, and moral being.

Do we easily get there?

-Nope.

Do we ever get there?

-Probably not, especially while being earth-bound.

Then why try?

-Because every attempt makes us better people who have a chance of living a happier life. Every time we talk, think, or write about it, we open thought and conversation, which alters negative and supports positive behavior.

I truly believe that every time I get closer to my spirit I become a better person; every time I become a better person I know a little more about what self-respect means.

However, I have a long journey ahead.

Stating and Communicating Needs

Communicating by expressing one’s needs is difficult and most often misinterpreted when using “we” or “you” statements. When I sense a lack of something in my life and have identified the person who is in control of that need, I tend to naturally want to say, “You need to give me what I need.”

-You need to pay more attention to me.
-You need to give me more money.
-You need to let me do more things on my own.

These types of statements, although communicating real needs, don’t always go over well with the receiver. An innuendo or insinuation is made,which the receiver perceives as not doing his or her part in fulfilling your needs. Whereas in reality, you need more than what the giver perceives.

One may try to repair this problem by introducing “we” statements. These do work; however, as some of us may have experienced, when using “we” statements to communicate with overwhelmed or insecure persons, they can have the same irrational effect as “you” statements.

-We need to talk about our relationship.
-We have a problem with how our money is being spent.
-We need to pay more attention to each other.

These statements may seem like good means to communicating shared feelings; however, one’s feelings tend to be unilateral.

So, how does one express need? Essentially, one should communicate needs by expressing from his or her unique perspective with an “I” statement.

- I need some attention.
- I need more money.
- I would like to go over our budget.
- I want to spend more time with you.
- I want to communicate more effectively with you.

“I” statements communicate our individual needs without impeding on the viewpoints of others. They begin communication by expressing one’s individualized viewpoint and giving others a chance to offer assistance, express their own views, and correlate feelings toward an outcome that works for both parties.

I had been tough,
I sat by your side,
I watched you sleep,
I listened to your stories,
I shared some of mine,
You rewarded me with tears and smiles,
Your death saddened me,
But I knew of your pain,
And was happy for you,
To have gained your peace,
I had been tough,
But today I cried.