Stating and Communicating Needs

Communicating by expressing one’s needs is difficult and most often misinterpreted when using “we” or “you” statements. When I sense a lack of something in my life and have identified the person who is in control of that need, I tend to naturally want to say, “You need to give me what I need.”

-You need to pay more attention to me.
-You need to give me more money.
-You need to let me do more things on my own.

These types of statements, although communicating real needs, don’t always go over well with the receiver. An innuendo or insinuation is made,which the receiver perceives as not doing his or her part in fulfilling your needs. Whereas in reality, you need more than what the giver perceives.

One may try to repair this problem by introducing “we” statements. These do work; however, as some of us may have experienced, when using “we” statements to communicate with overwhelmed or insecure persons, they can have the same irrational effect as “you” statements.

-We need to talk about our relationship.
-We have a problem with how our money is being spent.
-We need to pay more attention to each other.

These statements may seem like good means to communicating shared feelings; however, one’s feelings tend to be unilateral.

So, how does one express need? Essentially, one should communicate needs by expressing from his or her unique perspective with an “I” statement.

- I need some attention.
- I need more money.
- I would like to go over our budget.
- I want to spend more time with you.
- I want to communicate more effectively with you.

“I” statements communicate our individual needs without impeding on the viewpoints of others. They begin communication by expressing one’s individualized viewpoint and giving others a chance to offer assistance, express their own views, and correlate feelings toward an outcome that works for both parties.